Saturday 16 April 2011

Art Into Dust Merchandise

I have unreluctantly and with little thought to the consequences decided in my finite wisdom to start offering a range of exclusive Art Into Dust merchandise for sale to my multitude of readers who wish to support all the triffically hard work, due dilligence, sideways glances and at times irrational puncuation that myself and my often unreliable team of 37 glove puppets bring on an almost weekly basis to this blog. Also I am trying to finance a long cherished project that if it comes to fruition will add a extra dimension to the Art Into Dust experience above and beyond our third wildest dreams. I mean to build a time machine and use it to travel back in time armed only with an handy dandy old i pod a goodly friend has gifted me of late in the hope of getting not so famous historical characters to listen to and give their considered opinions on some of our favourite albums of the last forty years or so. Ever imagined what Martin Van Buren the eighth president of the United States would think of Daryll Ann's Happy Traum or László József Bíró inventor of the biro considers to be the best track on Game Theory's sprawling masterwork Lolita Nation? Well if all goes according to plan then these and many other pressing questions will soon be answered in this very place you are at this very moment softly caressing with your eyes. The bad news is having drawn up inextensive plans for a time machine I have worked out that the whole thing is going to cost in the region of £35. 7 shillings and sixpence, quite a lot I am sure you will agree but with you my unflattering reader's generous help a target I am all but certain can be reached before Mickelmas Eve next year at the earliest. A cherished dream worth reaching to the very heavens themselves then. And on top of that you lot get some, if I say so myself some rather collectable, groovy to the max and faintly useful rememberbelia to clutter up your already under cluttered lives.

If buying stuff just aint your bag of spanners than alternatively you can also pledge money so I can purchase a tin of furniture polish at some point. Details of my Pledge pledge have been embroidered on a hankchief and hidden somewhere in Warwickshire if you wish more details.

The Art Into Dust Red Elastic Band (not the same as the red lazzy bands postmen drop in the street on a daily basis..honest) Can be used to keep three or four cd's together in one place (though for added security we recommend a second Art Into Dust Red Elastic Band also be deployed cross ways)

Price only 15p plus £1.o1p p&p

The Art Into Dust Paper Clip. Printed up so many lists of all the great albums you must buy now you have read about them here that you worry that when you take them outdoors to run to you nearest record emporium that the wind might catch the various sheets of A4 and make them slightly awkward to carry to a moment or two? Well worry not more with Art Into Dust Paper Clip keeping them neatly together no matter what the slight gustage that hardly noticable moment or two will be banished from your life forever. And it matches the Art Into Dust Elastic Band for you above and beyond accessorisers out there. Price only 15p plus £1.05 p&p. (or £5.80 if you which it sent priority mail)

Sick and tired of watching vaguely entertaining crap on telly when you should be listening to every utterance Michael Penn has ever released. Well with the Art Into Dust Slightly Broken Television Set that just isn't going to be a problem no more I promise you. Yes take the choice out of you weakwilled hands forever, send your flat screen multi channeled time waster away and replace it with the only TV set you'll ever really need. Oh yes as my nan would say, "this will see you out." Get it today for the never to be repeated price of a glancing blow from a swan's beak plus £10.02 p&p. I repeat the never to be repeated price of......

The Art Into Dust Tea Bag Interactive Experience. Not an actual tea bag for sale, that would be preposterous like selling lipstick to a duck (do not go anywhere near the "put it on my bill" punchline here) but instead for only 75p plus a stamped addressed envelope of your choice, the very next time I have a cup of tea I will with little thought or care write down on a non discript scrap of paper my thoughts on said cup of tea in nine words or less, place it in your envelope and then forget to post it for a weeks and then when you enquire as to where it is, at first say "I'm sure I sent it last week it must have got lost in the post or something" and then sheepishly come across it a few days later and pop it in the post the next day or the day after. An experience not to be missed I am sure you'll agree.

The Art Into Dust Telepathic Traffic Cone (again not just one I have found near a big hole down the road..honest) is not just a traffic cone (that would be so boring) but a traffic cone that knows everything you are thinking. Unfortunately being a traffic cone it has no way of communicating so you will have to take that on faith alone and my solemn word that it really does know what you are thinking.

Price £3.62 plus an atlas dreamt up by a mongoose named Dave or Colin or at a pinch Betty p&p.

Worried that if you get shrunk down to a sub atomic level in some freakish science experiment that you would then be too microscopic to read your seventeenth favourite blog anymore? Thought so but now with Art Into Dust Quark Interface Thingy you will be able to catch up on all the latest strangeness and charm that Art Into Dust has to offer in a formatted size even the most powerful electron microscopes in the world would have trouble reading. Price 1p plus 1p p&p.

Exclusive offer for our United States Of American readers only. I actually own London Bridge, I know it is hard to believe but I really really do honest guvner, it was left to me in the will of the pearly queen of london for my services to cockney sparrows and apples and pears gorloverducks. I am willing to sell this legendary london landmark for only £35, oooo (buyer collects) .

The Art Into Dust Hadron Collider is a fully working twice the size replica of the Hadron Collider that can only enhance your understanding of the true origins of all the bands and artists written about here. If you are truly serious in understanding where it all began then The Art Into Hadron Collider is a vital tool in this quest for musical enlightenment. First there was the big bang and then billions of years later Hatfield and The North put out two very fine albums on Virgin Records before splitting up. I can say with the mearest hint of hesitation or doubt I would not have realised the enormity of their back history if I had not had a fully working twice the size replica of the Hadron Collider conviently to hand. Be quick though I only have five left. Price, £7.35 plus thirty four billion pound p&p.

I thank you in advance for the oncoming deluge.


Anything Should Happen said...

I'd love some of this high quality merchandise but I do not have room amongst the cardboard cutouts of Russell Mael and my Fleetwood Mac mirror.

However, I have gathered together 13 pence and have posted it to you.

Hope This Helps.

Rushbo said...

Is it available in brown?

troy said...

THAT ... is a good looking paper clip. Are there any left, or did I miss my chance waiting so long?